Saturday 28 April 2007

Lizardo phobia...!!!

well this is not exactly the most conventional way to start blogging but then if
there is one thing that has and would remain constant in my life apart from my name
(and i won't be surprised if one fine day i decide to change even that..), it has
been my excruciatingly embarrassing, laughable (only to others), life threatening
(yes i am serious) insomnia-inducing lizardophobia...

yes the one constant insurmountable fear in my life has been the fear of lizards...


as these creepy beings crawl away with such arrogance on the walls looking down
upon us mere mortals who tremble with terror at their each step...which way they would turn their royal heads or swish their mighty tails...and what petrifies me more then anything else is what might happen if they decide to take one
of their behemoth falls and land on me...one thing is for sure, my friends would be
attending a funeral in the near future of such an event.


for as long as i can remember nothing has terrified or disgusted me more than house
lizards..with their streamlined bodies and flicking tongue, their speed and agility
their stealth and resurrection capabilities they have held me under their power
they have been behind more painfully humiliating incidents in my life than anything
else(mind it i am rather prone to screw-ups so that saying something)


they have put me through literally everything...

from keeping my parents up the whole night because i had a lizardy nightmares to standing on the dining table and screaming my head off at my friends 5th b'day party with all the kids staring at me...all because i had seen a lizard skittering down the floor...


and how can i forget the time i was in class 12 and found one of these devils
enjoying a dive into my tub..and what could poor little scared squirming me do
except scream at the top of my voice and running out in my b'day suit smack into my
grandmom, mom and to top it our maid...


that wasn't the end of it of course they had more tortures in store for me as came
to stay in the hostel and entered their dark kingdom...

they are like dogs ...they smell fear, they jump at me from every nook and crany...

behind bathroom doors...under my table...just round my toilet seat...in the pocket of my own college bag(at least something should be left sacred!!!)...a tiny tail showing from under the tube light holder is all that is needed to bring my heart beat to a still...



thanks to them my roommates think i need to go see a psychologist to find out why i
wake up screaming every now and then at 3 in the morning begging imaginary lizards
to get off me...why they are the only demons i ever have nightmares of why i can't
go back to sleep scared an army of them would attack me in my slumber and strip the flesh off my bones...you can imagine the degree of mental torture i have been put
through to be reduced to this state..

let me give you a few more glimpses into my private hell..


thanks to them i managed to wake up the whole hostel at 3 a.m. because i found one
on the floor watching me with cool calculating eyes as i screamed and howled and
got the guard running up the stairs to catch the burglar...



and yes how can i forget the time when i got locked in the toilet with a baby
lizard just over the latch, who didn't budge no matter how hard i sobbed and prayed
and screamed "please go away please go away for god's sake don't do this to
me...please please please let me go...please" and so it continued for over half an
hour by which time all the girls on my floor had heard my lament and had come to
see who was getting raped...so finally after i was done with all the begging in the
world and was at verge of fainting the little angel took pity on me and got out of
the way so i could stumble out with my eyes swollen and my face red into the midst
of the whole floor laughing away to glory at my cost...


and since then i took a pledge of never going to the loo without someone checking
for the monsters first so every time i have to go take a pee i use everything from
begging to blackmail to downright bribery to make some come with me and check...


the most recent links in the chain of terror and the one that got me thinking
enough to write this post is of course the consecutive encounters that i had with
them today...all i had done was enter my room and there it was smirking at me and
snaking its way towards my table and sending me scrambling out of my humble
abode...chalo i thought chalta hai..so i decided to go and grab my refreshment
because i was dying of hunger...and there it was again following me with its beady
eyes right next to the railing and moving in perfect coordination with me...i just
managed not to lose my balance and kill myself by falling three floors down...so as
i edged my way towards the kitchen...behold what a sight here it was, a whole family
of these monsters right next to the stairs to the kitchen...and to make it worse
two of them were making out...and only those who have ever seen a pair of lizards
making out can ever comprehend how disgusting and terror inducing sight it can
be...it was enough to kill my appetite..and so to take my mind off the
shock i had just been subject to i decided to catch up on some television and well
any guesses who is there to greet me at the basement...yes you were right its my
old friend sliding down the floor coming to give me a big hug...trust me i have
never climbed a flight of stairs faster...

no no they were not done yet...all i had to do was go to my best friend a.s.'s room to cool off...as it turned out she wasn't there but to make sure i wasn't bereft of
company and left feeling lonely..my friend was there to give me company exactly when i didn't need any..i somehow managed to get out alive and ran to my room hoping against hope that at last i would have my solitude...but no...there was a beauty putting up an out of the world dance performance just for me on top of my bed right next to the bag i so desperately needed...


you can imagine the emotions churning through me as i sit here exiled from my room and my books...dependent on other peoples' mercy as they give me a place in their room to rest my head...


i am still not over the shock that i am still alive and not buried 6 feet under the
ground..


after reading my tale of woe i am sure you can understand the reason behind chosing
such a topic to begin my life as a blogger...

with sympathy and understanding for fellow sufferers

adieu

5 comments:

vibhor said...

hey umang!!!!! it was really gud. reading it ws a real fun :-)

umangexuberance said...

thank you vibu, i know you can understand my plight well as you have been one of those unfortunate souls who have been at the receiving end of the consequences of my phobia...remember a dance with the lizie ;)

ChUcK said...

:)

Wonderful blog to start off with :D
I can totally empathise with you. Me, poor NRI kid who hated cockroaches - goes into dimly lit bathroom at native place and sees fifty of them crawling out from a corner. I never yelled louder [:(]

PS: One suggestion: Adjust the linefeed formatting in your blog. You probably copy-pasted it from a text file - the formatting would look so much better if you aligned it properly :)

Well done Umang :D

disha said...

I hav complete idea abt wat UMANG goes thru when she sees a lizard...hav seen d live performance of hers wen lizard came 2 her room or bathroom...my god..d way she shouts...its untolerable...

Anjanaa said...

Goodness gracious! I could relate to so many of those!!! :0 Once I ran away from a lizard , tried to enter another room and guess what!?..it followed me and clung on to the curtains and jumped on to my thigh and grabbed me!!!! [now plz listen to 01:39th second in oh gujjariya (queen)] that's how i screamed and m sure I was dead for a minute..my soul did leave me and got back once the lizard left me! :|