Monday, 31 December, 2007
and what a year it has been..my 21st year on the face of this earth
a year like any other and yet at the end of it i feel so different from what i had when it had started.
I started the year on a rather dull note..studying for a stupid exam (multimedia..don't go by the name..for anyone who has studied under MDU would know..it has one of the most boring rattu syllabi) and ended it in a similar vein..studying for another dumb exam (compiler design..though i have still no idea what they mean by it..)
Some of the highlights of the year:
1) Celebrated my 20th B'day with the best bunch of friends in the world eating the tastiest of pizzas eating the chocolatiest of cakes and building the choicest of memories :) (ah! and add to that receiving the most gorgeous straight-out-of-my-fantasies bouquet of red roses!!)
2) Within two days of the dream B'day, i got my first placement with infosys(yuhoooo!!! can't even begin to explain the feeling of giving my first interview..swallowing all my nails in anticipation and then finally standing under the star lit sky of some obscure college a little outside of Alwar)
3) To my great surprise, got placed with accenture as well, the only other company i sat for..even after i was sure i messed up my technical interview.
Now i am in doldrums about which company to join once college gets over in July this year.
:sigh: its hard to believe but my last semester in college just started...
4) The dolphin that changed my life forever:
---for better or for worse???
hmmm..i am still not sure :)
5)Headed the compeering team for my college festival..turns out dreams that come true..turn out to be worse than nightmares..
5) Found some friends lost some...
6)In some ways i have finally grown up while in others..i just realised i am incapable of ever doing that (a big sorry to all those well wishers who keep telling me "Umang--GROW UP!!!" i just can't i swear i tried.. :| )
7) Started this blog..and what a life savor it has been...when i started it one summer evening on the insistance of my friend suni di (who has always had a little too much faith in my writing and other abilities...love u di and thanks for being what u have been to me), with a funny piece about "Lizardo phobia", i had no idea how this little piece of cyberspace was going to change my life..how it would become my little kingdom of white sand.. the queen bee's buzzing ground :D
This has been the perfect outlet for all my ramblings..the chalice for all my pain.. the cuppa of all my joys..and above all it brought me in contact with people who think and feel like i do and helped me find some of my dearest friends..
All in all, 2007 wasn't a good year or a bad year..it was a year of changes...
some big laurels.. some painful falls..new highs and walks down memory lane...
I learnt that cliches are often the most apt things to use or do in a particular situation..and to use another one of those cliches...the most important thing that 2007 taught me was..
"The only thing constant is change"
feelings..attitudes..love..hatred..positions..jobs..principles..people..life..they all changed this year..
for better or for worse..for highs or for lows..who is to judge? and on what basis?...
life goes on..
differently for different people at different times..
and so it will in this new year
with hope and inquisitiveness..i welcome the year 2008
a very very happy new year to all of you...and more than that wish you a year full of curiosity and excitement
hugs and kisses
PS: I know its a little late for a New Year post..but then what with exams, viral, home etc..i just didn't get round to completing this post which had been lying unfinished in my drafts since
31st December, 2007...
Wednesday, 26 December, 2007
I have seen the beach make love to the sea
I have seen the light dance a tango with a stream
I have seen the wind kiss a solitary leaf
I have seen the bee being a devilish thief
I have felt the care of an unseen hand
I have felt God in a grain of sand
I have seen innocence being sold
as the price for a love gone cold
I have seen the power of a single look
I have felt the taste of a delicious book
I have felt the breath of ice
I have heard the sun's silent voice
I have gotten drunk on the wine called life
and been stabbed by its vicious knife
I have felt the world go round as i stood still
many a secret i have seen the universe spill..
Every moment, every second..
I have seen my heap grow
good, bad, old, new..I don't know..
..This is me...and my treasure trove..
PS: I request all those who read it to please include a title of your choice for this poem in the comments urf plashes section..i would love to know what this says to you
take care :)
PPS: by the way, on popular request..i have decided to award an award for the best title(the one that speaks the most to me..) from among all those left behind in the comments section..the result would be announced on the 2nd of January, 2008 in the comments section of this post. The awarded would get something special from my end(i still haven't decided what that would be so..keep guessing :D).
In order to help me judge i request u to kindly include an explanation behind the title yo chose to give this.
thank you people
love and luck
Monday, 17 December, 2007
This is to inform all my wonderful friends at blogger, that I, umang (exuberance :D) am looking forward to one month of pure hell..err...semester exams
so, would probably be absent from my little white kingdom..in the hope of not being forgotten, this is adieu till then :)
take care, while i go and fight a loosing battle against those demons some of us call the "BE semester exams" :sigh:
PS: of course, keep checking my space 'coz with me you never know when the urge to write might kidnap my senses and take over :D
and yes, do miss the queen bee *buzz* *buzz* :)
*hugs to all*
Wednesday, 12 December, 2007
who was i kidding?
pretending i was over my past..
pretending we could be "just friends"..
pretending i was cool with the way we talked..like strangers..
pretending i was soooo over him..
pretending he couldn't break my heart with just one sentence anymore or with one "c ya" in the
middle of a conversation
pretending that reading the mail i had saved in my drafts to be sent as his b'day gift ages ago..when i was still his doll..wouldn't bring tears to my eyes
pretending that sending it to him would elicit anything but a "yeah got your mail..didn't read it properly..aur bta kya chal raha h?"
pretending i am happy and loved and satisfied..when i can't even bring myself to like me..
pretending i have no regrets..that i am happy with my memories..when i curse the very moment i decided to talk to my best friend's friend, who had fallen in love with my dolphin...
pretending and pretending...lying to all and to myself..."everything is great in my life..yoo!! i am mast hoohaaa!! the queen bee".. when each day all i do is give an overdose of sleeping pills to the bloody bashed up mess i call "my heart" to dull its senses..
or just add a few more balls of cotton to my deaf ears...to stop myself from hearing its painful moaning..
the tears are not yet dry
the pain is not going to die
the memories still kill
and my world with lies fill
you try so hard to make me hate u
but i know in my heart i'll always love u as i live my life through...
Thursday, 29 November, 2007
Their pure innocence just stole my heart away and i couldn't stop myself from forgetting about every sound advice my mom had ever given me about staying away from stray dogs(pups), and just ran to them..of course they got dead scared of this huge hulking mass that seemed to come barging their way...so off they went skittering under the little stone covering..
but i couldn't stop myself from bending down and crooning at them...trying to get them to come out
they just retreated back a little and stared at me with such innocent puppy eyes..i am really bereft of words to describe the feeling it invoked in me...
i kept calling them out slowly..gently extended my hand into their little cave
it took a while, but then the boldest of them slowly came forward and took one tiny little sniff at my hand followed by an experimental lick...i didn't move and that did it..i had passed the test.. and within seconds was soon buried under 5 pairs of eager paws and happily licking tongues :D
it was such a wonderful feeling...for once, i don't have the words to put it into..i'll just let the pictures speak :)
Monday, 26 November, 2007
i am flying high
as the highest sky
reaching out for that elusive star
falling through that rain drenched cloud
catching a wiff of the wind in my hair
smelling the sweet scents of newly wet clay
higher and higher i rise in the sky
playing in the air like that colourful kite
twisting and turning with no strings attached
no master to pull me down, no puppeteer to make me dance
i prance around on my own wild tune
whistle and hum my own crazy songs
i am shining tonight with my own dark light
once again...i am exuberant tonight..
#umang# :) :)
Thursday, 22 November, 2007
Kindly bear with yet another tag in such quick succession to the last...or rather two tags
i was tagged by sameera and humbl devil with two different tags..
and my apologies for such a late reply..i am really sorry..life u know..just didn't get round to answering these
so, without further ado...i am going to reply to both of them in this post...
First up is sameera's tag, which was to mention seven random things about me...
aaaah now this is the kind of tag i love..for those few souls who have been saved the torture of knowing me personally..i love talking about me me me all the time :D
i am my favourite topic in any conversation..uhm uhm
so the seven first things that come to my mind right now are:
1. I love words..i have built my life around and with words..and sometimes i feel that is what i have turned into..a word..just a word..everyone who comes across me has a different interpretation for me..a different meaning..a different view and i am a sum of all these different perceptions..
2. I love people..love knowing them, caring about them and pampering them(and that's not always a very good things it seems..from experience i have discovered that people tend to prefer people who don't give a damn to those who actually care and worry about how they feel..well but i can't quit caring so..)
3. I love traveling and going to new places...my dream is one day go on a road trip all by myself all alone without telling a soul and discovering this world anew on my own..
4. I love to just get lost in random streets when i am looking for myself...discover a new park, nook or corner, i can claim as my own..just sit there munching something..listening to music may be, clicking away and just thinking about the happiness that only i can give myself in moments like these..tranquil.. at peace..and yet bubbling over with thoughts feelings and desires that i am trying to understand and interpret..
telling myself to be strong and to love myself before i expect others to love me..
discovering new things about myself..
5. I love reading..a good book can turn me deaf, mute and blind..sometimes i stop reading the book and start living it..nothing gives me more pleasure than losing myself like that..away away i fly off to lands unknown away from all that i know all that i have seen all that i have lived..its a great high..to cry one moment and laugh the next..to die one second and come alive the next..that is the magic only books have mastered...and no non-reader can ever understand the lure of it
6. I love being pampered and loved..and yet to be set free..to be left to fly..i wish i could be the centre of someone's universe to make someone crazy about me and to feel just as crazily about someone and yet i can never survive in a relation that doesn't give me the space to breathe and have a life of my own...contradictory?? well that's me
7.Aaah last...well I Love writing, blogging scribbling etc...it helps me put into perspective the things i don't even know i am thinking..and the feedback i get is a high in itself..i always write from my heart..as honestly as i can..especially when it comes to my blog..i write all that flows out of me in one go..i sometimes don't even stop to think what i have written..they are not premeditated..the words just flow out as i type..and i post the very first draft..that is why my posts are not all polished and of the highest quality..they are just me..
HUMBLE DEVIL'S TAG:
time for the second tag...
it was something about..the expansion of my middle name..since i don't have any and have to chose one on my own..it will be
CRAZY :D :D :D
i am sure none of u are surprised by my choice nothing else suits me well :D
C: well the C just has to be for "CONTRADICTION" as everything from my profile to my posts show..i am full of contradictions..i am so many different colliding clashing shades rolled together..its hard to say which one will come up in the cauldron next to stain the next sand dune of white sands..i could be that girl sitting in the middle of a group chattering away to glory and guffawing without a care in the world..the twinkle in her eye could only mean adventure is in the air and she is up for it
..and then i could also be the girl sitting alone next to the window in a restaurant sipping her coffee and munching on her hot dog..staring at the people passing by..with a smile playing on her lips..lost in her own world..quiet and at peace..
i could be that girl in the party with perfect manners and etiquettes..the perfect lady
and then i could also be the one jumping around in the mud not giving a damn about my jeans and top..the favourite di of the galli ka bachas..and i could be just so many different girls..even i don't know how many different contradictions i live each day..may be i'll write a post about some more of these one of these nights..till then keep guessing who i could be next :)
R: "ROMANTIC" i am a hopeless one..sweet romance with that innocent honesty and a heavy dose of imagination and u have me on my knees :D i am a sucker for romantic songs, movies, stories and the works you know :)
A: "AQUARIAN" i am a typical crazy, wacky, unpredictable aquarian...
freedom is what i strive for
idealist i am to my very core
honesty is my true belief
friends are people i could die for
dreamer i am of lands unknown
wit and intelligence touch my soul
i am curious and question it all
ignorance could kill me
the unknown calls
i am an aquarian
free as the air
unpredictable to all
i am as much the beauty
as i am the beastly troll
Z: "ZOOM" yes..zoom..i like to see everything in zoomed in mode..be it life people things ..everything..i love observing them and knowing them to the fullest..discussing them with myself..discovering some hidden part of the picture..that's my hobby :)
Y:"YUMMY" hehe..i know strange choice for a definition..but since this is about me it has to have something to do with food..i am a foodie especially when it comes to non-veg i am a die hard non-vegetarian..love trying new dishes..experimenting with what i eat...everything from road side thelas to cool hangouts have me as a patron..the paneer roll wala from the nukkar greets me with just as much pleasure and familiarity as the chic owner of the posh little eat-out near my place..
phew!!! finally done..pretty long post for a tag eh? but nothing shorter could have done justice to them both...
now its my turn to tag..so i tag(with both the tags):
and to any one else who might want take it up...go ahead people but keep me posted :D
Wednesday, 21 November, 2007
so it is not hard to imagine the level of shock and disbelief i felt, when, after painstaking filling out the test form with my characteristic honesty :D , this is the result that stared back at me:
Seductive. Naughty. You're like the Mocha Flavour of Bru Cappuccino. You exemplify the rich full-bodied chocolate flavour with the right amount of caffeine intoxication.
Flirting to you is second nature. You're a predator in the game of flirting. You're straightforward in your approach and don't wait around for the occasion to arise. You create them! You take charge of situations using more actions than words. You are confident and it shows in the way you carry yourself as well as your mannerisms. You are definitely an eye-turner and have this energy that excites and draws the others closer!
all i could do was stare at the screen in awe and dumbfounded shock...
super flirt?? me?? aise kaise??
i love using my imagination when talking to people...
love playing sassy mind games.. but then doesn't everyone???
love having a little fun when the other person is witty enough..
love pulling peoples' legs..
aaaah and how can i forget my million dollar smile that i turn on every time i reaalllly want something?? :) :)
but that doesn't mean i am a flirt!!!
I am just a sweet little 20 year old who loves to have some fun..that is not flirting haina??
*looks around innocently from under her lashes*
naah they definitely got it all wrong ;) :D
what say?? u agree right??
and to add a little more flavour to this cuppa..read ahead for my err..Flirt Profile :D :D :D
The friendly flirt
Friendship is very important to the Aquarians so they tend to get a little mixed up when they are flirting. Be careful Aquarians that you don't give the wrong signs to the one you are focusing on. Mixed messages are easy to give when you're flirting. A shrug of the shoulders can mean you are not interested, but if at the same time you're giving them that warm and engaging smile then they won't know what to think.
well, all those who know me are invited to leave behind their take on this in the Plashes (comments) section..and those who don't know me..well they are most welcome to find out and then leave their views here ;) ;)
Sunday, 18 November, 2007
so here goes..
i had to write five minutes of random thoughts...and i thought what better place to document random thoughts than in class 'coz that's the place all my thoughts are full of..well..randomness, at its best :D :D :D
i am sure every err not-so-sincere student would agree with me about this...everything from day dreams to abusing unbearably torturous teachers, from latest crushes :sigh: :sigh: uhm uhm..to planning upcoming blog posts (which never get written by the way :| )
from drooling absent mindedly, thinking of Rahul Khanna (mmmmm...,who was one of my first crushes as an MTV VJ ,and with whom i fell in love with all over againwhen i read his marvelous blog on intenblog) to feeling all frustoo thinking about life..what else are lectures for eh?
So to catch on paper some of those birdies zipping through my head..i wrote this in my Neural Networks(NN) lecture, which is one subject about which in particular i have absolutely no clue...hope u enjoy it.. :)
sitting in the NN class..
ma'am has just finished some topic called "linear associator" or something..who cares what a piece of crap..i am sure even she didn't understand half of it..all she does is, cram it up and spit it out here rattu tota..why the hell is she staring at me anyway..Grrrrrhhhhhh..and could someone tell her how to dress up..she is looking like a sunflower..a sunflower with double standards at that..look at the way she is simpering at Vivek arora and looking daggers at me hmph!!
no wonder that tubelight over her head is flickering so much..negative vibes eh :D :D :D
God i am feeling so sleepy..i wish i could have bunked and slept..but this God foresaken attendance its already so short watt lagi padi hai :'( :'(
why did i have to be up all night reading Rahul Khanna's blog?? :sigh: how can an actor be so damn good with words :sigh: and so damn cute :sigh: :sigh: :sigh:
why the hell is she coming this way..what if she demands to read it..thank God time's up!!..band karo register umang banddddd!!!!
phew!! well, i managed to stow it away just in time though she kept giving me suspicious looks throughout the rest of the lecture
bachh gai!! :) :) :D :D
and anyone else who might want to take it up :)
So what is FMORT?
FMORT stands for Five Minutes of Random Thoughts. It is a byproduct of a wild whim that played in my mind during one of my day dreaming sessions. In an attempt to bring something productive out of it, I thought of giving it a shape. It is fun to read what people think, when they are asked to think for five minutes of allotted time.
Steps to follow:
Get an alarm/stop watch, piece of paper, pen.
Set the alarm to ring 5 minutes 10 secs later.
Take deep breath for 10 secs.
Now, set your mind free.
Scribble whatever comes to your mind on the paper for 5 minutes.
After 5 minutes, tweak the scribbles into meaningful sentences.
Post it to your blog.
The title should be, "My FMORT".
Dont expand FMORT in the title as the purpose is to popularize FMORT.
The first line should read, "I am tagged by XYZ", where XYZ should be the name of the blog who asked you to tag and link XYZ to the post.
Then ask a fellow blogger to do the same and link to your post.
Now sit back and relax.
You would be amazed at the speed with which FMORT spreads.
And you will be one link of the long chain on Internet.
Friday, 16 November, 2007
Well, not much of a sabbatical it was..was it?? :)
a mere three days..yes...but a mere three days sometimes make
such a big difference to everything
by the way, let me warn you before hand..this post is
entirely without my characteristic word plays and poetic
so those who read my blog for my abstract posts and pain
well, this might be a bit of a disappointment
for a change i just want to write something simple and direct :)
well where do i start
ah yes..why am i back so soon
have i already found myself
i am still looking..but i think i am on the right track, finally!! :)
life had been..err..well..a little too dead these last few months..
but now i am resuscitating it..trying to get back to being that
not so serious, fun to chat with, up for any adventure,
sometimes bitchy, sometimes crappy, often insane, romantic
idiot, who had once smiled back at me from the mirror...
well i have decided life has been manhandling me long enough..
but just like every dog..(*err bitch :D ) has her day..
its my time..to show life what i can do in return..
so i am all set to kick life back into shape..
time to show it, i can be happy carefree and exuberant without
any help from it :)
i am rekindling my curiosity..reviving my spirit
i have my lessons too.. still love people..still start caring for
everyone i talk to..but i don't trust that easily anymore..
i might still be a romantic..
but i know i won't give my heart away too easily this time round..
i am more careful now..don't believe every word
said to me anymore
i am scarred and have knelt and been defeated and hav
bitten the dust..
but i am rising again..all set to get up..dust the grime off
and walk away, proud of my scars..proud to have put up a fight..
and ready for more..
yes, i am trying to be umang again..not that moping depressed
sallow creature..who had no self respect..a mere beggar...
a defeated soul..a scatter brain..
who had nothing to think about except her losses..
nothing to write about except piteous poems and odes to what
had been or could have been..who had forgotten what it was like
to be curious about life again..to question again..
to laugh without fearing the impending tears..
so these last three days i have been rediscovering what it is like,
to wander the streets alone..looking at houses in the lane and
imagining what mine would look like one day..
getting lost on purpose..just to find some new park or street or
unknown haunt, where i can sit unnoticed, eating a red pack
of bingo mad angles coupled with a coke and accompanied
by my favourite songs, blocking out every unwanted sound
or thought, playing on my faithful cellphone mah red and white
nokia 5300 (muuuah!!)
unravelling again the joy of clicking away like crazy with my phone's
camera.. everything from twisted trees to puppy litters..from fallen
leaves to kids sitting on their balconies
re-experiencing what it is like to turn around and look at the
little street child laying with a broken tire by the dusty road
in front of the construction site, where his mother probably laboured..
to smile at him and to feel your heart lift with amazement and joy
(comparable, in a less sensual way, to the kind of ecstasy you feel
when you dip your spoon into the pure dark chocolate sauce at the
bottom of Haldiram's HCF and put it slowly in your mouth..feeling
the soft sweetness with just that right tint of tempting bitterness..
invading the privacy ofevery hidden dark corner of your mouth
teasing you and making you go mmm...:sighhhhhhhhh:
uhm uhm..coming back to the topic..), when he smiles back at you
and waves with a grin on his face and vulnerability in those
innocent puppy eyes..
reliving the pleasure of standing on the bed with my eyes closed
and jumping..(err dancing :D) away to glory
and i don't know so much more..i am trying again to live life
a smile here a guffaw there..a tear forgotten..drowned in swirls
and i am ready to live them all again :)
Tuesday, 13 November, 2007
I am going away for a while..away from everything
i need a break from all that's familiar
yes..even this..my world my kingdom my hell
i don't know when I'll be back..
could be tomorrow..the day after..the week after..or may be never
i don't know
not a thing
not what i am feeling
not what is going on around me or within me
not how i am reacting or how i should
not what i am writing or why
so i am off..to sit alone on some lonely bridge to trudge unnoticed on some lonely path
try to get back the connection with myself..to get back to being alone yet not lonely..to find myself again..
my solitude calls..take care
Monday, 12 November, 2007
This is in reply to a post by Neel titled "The Dark One"
his poem is the inspiration behind mine..i know it doesn't hold a candle to his work..but something told me i must put it here..
away from the harsh lights
of truth and reality..
so hard to accept
in the blanket of darkness
i lie warm and soft
away from the freezing cold..
of the frozen white sun
d light ignites me
like a torch..i burn out
knowledge will kill me
ignorance is my bliss
in ignorance i shall win
lying bleeding on the ground
'coz in the dark i won't see
the blood gushing out
from the wounds i no longer feel..
just a new pain
lost amidst so many before..
take me in your blanket
and smother me tonight
rise no more
may i, to burn under the cold sun
sleep may i forever
in the warmth of your soft cradle..
Tuesday, 6 November, 2007
Last night i died again
killed by the same sword as before
On the ground i see myself bleeding
the red turning to black in the gorging mud
Lost in dust it flows.. Unnoticed.. Unfelt.. Unmourned
Punished for sins i never committed
Doomed to burn in this eternal fire of persecution
Slain by my God.. my Angel.. my Guardian
Wings clipped anew
Crashed before I could fly
Burnt to cinders by this cold sun
Frozen to stone by this unforgiving earth
Back to the end
Back to no-escape
Unable to lock away, my doomed chest
End..end..this pain shall never
killing me again and again
sucking out my breath
Locking me in time
unable to move on
that haunts me forever
bound in mid-stride
Sunday, 4 November, 2007
She sat alone on the floor of her attic, oblivious to the swirls of dust and layers of cobwebs that seemed to engulf all, around her.
The single candle, guttering by her side, gave this dark hole a surreal view.
She sat in the shadow, a creature of this nether world..
bent..haggard..a lost shadow..tired and hopeless, she sat, looking at the timeworn chest with the rusty heavy padlock on it.that lay on the ground next to her
She sat motionless for a long time, wondering, what use it would be to unlock this chest after so long, what use to look at her treasure trove..her rusty collection of the past.
Something within her had died forever and that day she had locked this trunk and left it to rust here never to be opened again..
Then why had she come back to this room?
Why was she sitting here, amidst scratching rats and raining spiders, looking at her damn past?
She didn't know..
may be the only way she could make it stop haunting her was to set it free
the only way to get away was to accept it with open arms
so, slowly, she took the old unused key from around her neck, where it was held always, with a pink satin ribbon, lying next to where her heart had once beaten..
and she put the key in the heavy lock and turned it
the lock screamed, resisting this alien being..then finally let go and turned to reveal, what she had so dreaded to see
lying inside, was her heart, shriveled and dead..small..shrunken..bereft of the love that had once made it tick
below it were the flowers of her desires..wilted and dried as the heart that had bore them
just by their side lay her dusty dreams, the ones she had woven with her nibble fingers...soft as the softest silk..with colours so vibrant..they had seemed to flow
all that was left of them were rough beaten rags sucked of colour..a still stagnant white
her fingers moved over lovingly caressing them and putting them aside gently to look at the cracked glass of her once magical mirror
she looked for the beautiful face whose smile had once lighted its confines..the twinkling eyes that had added to its shine..but all she found were sunken eyes staring back with tears gone dry and a face so sallow and grey that it seemed little more than the shadow of a corpse
then a soft flutter distracted her..she looked around the room for the source of this commotion..but realized it was coming from the trunk..she wondered what was in that tomb to cause such a sound..she dug her hands in and felt a hesitant movement at the bottom
she removed all that lay above it and stared at it with widened eyes
there at the bottom of that lifeless ensemble lay a pair of broken wings..struggling feebly against the bands that held them down...
yes..the wings that had once been her pride..her companion..her guide..they had taken her beyond the limits of this world..her imagination..her power..that had let her fly..free and unshackled through the sky..before..
before she had fallen..crashed to this unforgiving earth..bound and shattered these wings had been..and she had tossed them along with everything else into her doomed chest..and here they lay before her eyes..
crumpled and discoloured..crippled and broken..mangled beyond recognition..yet..yet alive ..
ans as she saw them straining against their binds..something within her ignited again..
a light..a feeble one..weak yet..but a light nonetheless capable of turning into a torch again
for the first time in ages she felt a soft beat, where her heart had once been..a tiny tremor..a light whistle..of hope..of life
she felt her hands reach out and touch the soft wings..soothing them giving them assurance that they would be whole again
she lifted them out and put them back where they belonged..on her..
and tentatively lifted them..
they ached..they bled..yet they held on..she felt her feet lift again..
she felt the free wizz of air..
she wasn't flying yet..
but in her newly reinstated heart she knew that soon she would..
her tender wings would be powerful again and she would fly off once more, beyond the reach of these shackles, lifting her face up to the free wind and letting it carry her off to the land of silky flowing colours..
Thursday, 1 November, 2007
withered and burned..
There's a dead rose on my table
bent and forlorn.
Empty of life
a symbol of loss..
Empty of life
a piece of my soul.
A reminder of my mistakes
a breath of my past..
A reminder of my mistakes
the past you forgot so fast.
I look at it every day
thinking "i'll throw it today"..
I look at it every day
finding a new excuse to let it stay.
Tuesday, 23 October, 2007
Sunday, 21 October, 2007
Its been months since i last talked to you, yet here i am hearing your voice in my ears every time i am alone
its been months since i decided to get over you, yet here i am sitting alone in my hostel room at 2 am in the morning...crying over you
its been months since i decided to delete you from my life, and here i am for the zillionth time reading your orkut profile
its been months since i decided to move on, yet here i am reminiscing about the games we played...the dreams i dreamed with you
its been months since i decided to let you go, yet here i am writing another post about you in my blog
its been months since i decided to forget you, yet here i am making new reminders of your stay in my life
its been months since i decided to never contact you again, yet here i am saving a mail to you in my drafts
its been months since i decided i didn't love you, yet here i am looking at google image search results on "love"...and thinking of you
its been months since i convinced myself i did the right thing by ending what we had, yet here i am hating myself for that last mail i sent your way...
its been months since i decided i don't care about you anymore, and here i am asking the most unlikely of people..is he ok..??
my work is done and i am back
back to my white kingdom of stark white sand
more tired and tattered than i was before
more tired and tattered in body and soul
emptied and defeated i stand here again
pouring out my emptiness into my empty hole
defeated by my principles my beliefs my hopes
sold out by my honesty sold out by my soul
poorer in ideals poorer in respect
poorer in trust..yeah, poorer still
yet richer in experience in the lessons of life
a shrewder person..a better one..??..i don't know..
with new friends and new foes
and newer pretensions, a few masks more
i am back to my kingdom to share myself anew
i am back to my sand dunes of shifting views..
Saturday, 20 October, 2007
from the pale blue of a sunny sky
to the thunderous grey of a stormy night
from the green of a healthy pasture
to the brown cracked earth of barren land
from the stark perfect swirls of a frustrating white hell
to the soft embracing mists of a mauve heaven
from the yellow blossoms of friendship
to the dull orange dead flowers of relationships no more
from the red heat of passion
to the pink of puppy love
from the protective black blanket
to the impenetrable grey rock
from the laughing rainbow
to the colourless tear..
I am a cauldron of all these hues..poured together..
stirred by the wand of life..
sometimes one colour dominates over the rest..
but they are all there just waiting for their turn to come to the fore..and tint my world..
Sunday, 14 October, 2007
but, work calls and i go..
absent from my kingdom of sand..
out of tune with my tuneless band
wanting an outlet for my ramblings
finding no place to write my song
but not for long
not forever am i gone
will be back next week
with poetry and prose
the blood of my soul
the tears of my heart..
adieu..for work calls now
Monday, 8 October, 2007
As i sit in the rain with the water falling over me...i finally attain the feeling i strive for...the feeling of being free...
as the water flows off me it takes away all that is unwanted...
the tensions...the pain...the sorrows...the suffering
regrets of the past... fears for the future... they are all washed away...
all that is left behind is that one moment... the moment that is me ...yes...FREE...free of all the ties that bind me and pull me down...free to fly, to soar high into the skies of my thoughts and dreams...to dive and get lost in the depths of the deepest ocean that is me...
....and yet free even of those very dreams and thoughts...
as the drops skim my skin it feels like the touch of a lover... gentle yet powerful... soft but intimate... liberating yet all possessing...
that drives all else but itself from the mind...
transforming me and transporting me onto a different level...
to a place where i am finally at peace with myself and this world... a place where i find acceptance from myself and find in myself to accept this world...
in that moment as the cool water forms rivulets down by back and soaks me...
as it wraps me in its blanket and isolates me...
i feel protected and yet liberated...
get the feeling of being held and yet of being set free...
i am free of memory and hurt...of instinct and intuition...of friends and foes...yes...free of life itself...
the winds and the water swoosh through me and empty me of all emotions..
of joy and sorrow.. jealousy and care.. truth and duplicity.. love and hatred..
they empty me of myself...
in those briefs moments of losing myself, i find the real me...
i find my NIRVANA...
PS: this is one of my earliest posts, but since i love it so much and i so wanted to bring it on the front page..i just changed the date :D
for those who haven't read...hope u enjoy it..this is one of the most honest things i have ever written..
Friday, 5 October, 2007
Here i am, just as i promised, finally replying to the tag, i was tagged with by no less than three people (God i am popular ain't i?? ;) :D)
Well, thanks Nikhil, Tabz and soup for this tag..
As anyone who knows me would tell you, how self-obsessed i am and how i always pounce on any chance to talk about myself :D :D ...
so here goes...
1.Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it
Hmmm..tough choice..i have a great tendency to fall (physically and otherwise ;) )..in fact i am about the only person you'll find who can fall just standing there *blushing*, so this gives me a rather huge abundance of scars to chose from..
aaah yes, there has been a lot of talk on this blog about these new set of scars i got recently..the love err insect bites on my neck(refer Of dark linings and silver clouds...[part-1] ;) )
I suppose i got them from some unknown creature of the night..its still a bit of a mystery who/what :D
2.What does your phone look like?
Well, until recently it was a gorgeous looking, red sliding nokia 5300 music edition phone ..unfortunately, it now has a screen with a huge ugly scar,thanks to which 3/4 of its screen has gone blank :(
so in the interim i am back with my old sony erricson T230 with a screen held up with cellotape on the sides..the paint peeling off the keys..silver body cracked in loads of places..yet its still faithful like an old dog..still wakes me up every morning..even though every night i manage to push it off the bed sometime in my sleep..even though i have managed to throw it off everything from a riksha to a bus.. its still working ::sigh:: i wish my supposedly sturdy Nokia could have matched up to its so-called delicate competitor Sony Erricson
3.What is on the walls of your bedroom?
Sick white hostel paint..a couple of lizards..a couple of religious posters the old occupants left behind and which we never bothered to remove.. a scribble in pencil right over my bed stating my name and my b'day :D
and yes, the ceiling has a mysterious dirty hand print next to the fan..
4. What is your current desktop picture?
A picture of me(don't tell me i didn't warn you about my self-obsession ;) ), taken without my knowledge from my friend's cell by my roomie while i sat in the grass laughing..having a ball with my friends..lost in our own worlds..those old times when our group was still a group..hmmm...
Actually, i recently went home with my lappy and since this is my mom's favourite picture of me..she put it there and i just didn't bother to change it :) that reminds me..mom i m missing you!! :( :( :(
5. Do you believe in gay marriage?
I have nothing against it..i believe everyone deserves the chance to make their own choices and live with them..
6. What do you want more than anything right now?
Well, to be honest..right now i want to be loved...truly deeply madly..i want to be hugged pampered flattered..to be swept off my feet..to be the centre of someone's world and i want someone i could love back just as crazily..
7. What time were you born?
10:20 am in the morning..no wonder i am not an early riser ;)
8. Are your parents still together?
yup very much together and madly in love too..frankly i have never seen a couple more hopelessly and romantically in love with each other.. *touch wood*
9. Last person who made you cry?
Someone i know just doesn't care..someone i know just shouldn't matter..someone i know just shouldn't have any power over me..someone i know inspite of all the above is one of the few people who can make me cry with a mere memory..
10. What is your favourite perfume/cologne ?
Yardley's English Rose , Lily of the Valley, Lomani's Amitabh Bachhan
11. What kind of hair/eye color do you like in the opposite sex?
Jet black hair and deep intriguing eyes i could drown staring into ;) ;)
12. What are you listening to?
The grh grh grh like sound of my malfunctioning ceiling fan..the screams and shouts of some 2nd year girls from the floor below celebrating someone's B'day(i agree with you tabz, girls giggling can be damn creepy :D), and in the midst of all this mayhem i can just make out the subtle strands of "kuch is tarah" by Atif Aslam
13. Do you get scared of the dark?
Not in the least..I am a creature of the night..darkness is my cocoon..my hideout..my space..in fact i love sitting alone in the dark listening to slow music or just thinking..just as i am doing right now..
its light that scares me sometimes..
14. Do you like pain killers?
Nope..they are a necessary evil sometimes..but i have no craving for them
15. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Its not about being shy..i am just to egoistical to ask a guy out..call me old fashioned but i would never be the first one to drop the question..
this doesn't mean i don't throw those little subtle hits when i like someone..look out guys ;) ;)
16. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?
A huge tub of Nirula's Jamoca Almund Fudge..mmmm..mmmm...mmmm..
17. Who was the last person who made you mad?
18. Who was the last person who made you smile?
A friend who comes up with the strangest ways to drive my blues away(though they have a surprising knack of working when nothing else does)..the latest being telling me her childhood fantasies and talking about Yahoo Messenger VR environments while i cried my heart out in her lap...love u di..
19. Is someone in love with you?
no one i am aware of is in love with me..though loads of people i know love me..and they are the ones who matter the world to me :)
phew!! rather too detailed and honest i think..
now its my turn to tag someone..lets see..
i tag Gonecase,
abhishek sahay, Reeta Skeeter and amit
and of course any one else who wants to take up this tag is most welcome :)
adieu for now..
Wednesday, 3 October, 2007
I am zipping across the night sky
A fallen star a ball of light
Or maybe I am just a fire fly
Shining and bright burning alive
A candle in the dark
or a creature of the night
I don’t really know..
I am exuberant tonight :) :) :)
I was supposed to finish this post on the night of the 20-20 world cup..but for matters of the heart or the body...it has lain incomplete in my drafts..i know its not relevant anymore to anyone(probably never was :D) i know its pure crap for all and a bit too long at that..the reason i am posting this is 'coz i promised myself i will...'coz i needed to break the jinx of never writing a post i promise myself i would..'coz sometimes, i just love writing crap..its a high in itself :D..anyway lets cut the crap :D so go ahead people read on...
Well..people talk about dark clouds with silver linings..and here i am with a day which seems to be the perfect example of a dark lining followed by a glorious silver cloud :D
here i was starting the day with my phone gone kaput..with some very strange painful burning ugly insect bites all over my shoulder arms, legs ankle, a** and a lot of other places i am not going to mention..
college started with stares and questions about the rather suspect looking huge mark on my neck which to my great embarrassment resembled a rather violent love bite, thanks to those kidas everybody in the college now thinks, i have a rather vicious love life :|
well, thats not the end...my dark lining was just getting thicker...
So, college ended and i went in the sweltering heat to the rather grubby part of sector-14, all alone, looking for the "nokia service centre"..almost died thrice trying to cross the merciless main roads of gurgaon (i know this sounds kiddish, but i am real bad at crossing roads..have had quite a few knights in shining armors save me from those street monsters..in fact i am quite convinced I'll end up being run down while crossing the road..i.e. of course if a lizard manages not to fall on me first :D..psst..refer lizardo phobia)
Well somehow i finally made it to the nokia centre alive, only to be made to wait there for an hour, thirsty, sweating, tired and the only girl there and that too alone among a set of staring, lechering, crotch-scratching rough men..agree i have had loads of practice in the IGNORE-GAME but i don't deny being all alone there was scary..
so to take my mind off my ever thickening-lining..i started watching this movie that was playing on mute on the dilapidated TV set in the corner..i think the name was "zamana" starring a rather lost looking rishi kapoor as a self-righteous gangster angry at his principle-wadi elder brother played by a well-past-his-bloom Rajesh Khanna :D
but the best part was the funny dancing fight sequence by the effeminate dance teacher of one of the female leads
one of the most hilarious sequences i have seen till date..i was so absorbed i almost did not hear my name being called..
so finally my turn came and you must be thinking there goes..time for the silver cloud..
not so soon..the lining is still not dark enough it seems :D
so the impatient guy behind the desk asked me to quickly state what was wrong
as always i started by forgetting my model number then fumbled along with my complaint
he took a look n told me with a grin "madam iska to LCD udd gaya h minimum 4000 ka kharcha ayega...bolo..kara dun thik :D"
you can imagine as soon as i heard 4000..i could see the lining stretch to cover the horizon..
so i left the centre with my broken cell in one hand and the dark line in the other :|
started my journey back to the hostel but then decided to go up to the main market to gorge on some food to kill my blues..and since God seems to have created me with a dysfunctional compass..i ended up getting lost in the myriad streets of sector 14..had to ask for directions from 3-on-1-scooter-mustached-grinning-school-kids...hehe...well, ok may be not a very dark edge to my thick dark lining..
now its time for the silver cloud to blossom...
to be continued.. ;)
Wednesday, 26 September, 2007
Wednesday, 19 September, 2007
since it was something new and seemed interesting, i was really dying to be tagged
and now that i finally managed to get myself tagged by soup(thnku thnku thnku!!! :D)
here it goes...
EIGHT RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME
1) As my profile says, i am full of contradictions..i am different people at different times with different people in different worlds with different thoughts and different motives..
2) i have a tendency of getting too attached to the people i love and can be very possessive. Grrrrrhhh..!!!!
3) i just looooove acting like a kid and being pampered.
4) i love getting myself photographed, i don't care what anyone else says..but i think i am photogenic :D
5) i love reading and writing and right now, blogging :D
6) i am an incurably hopeless romantic.
7) my ultimate wish in life is to be free..i am still figuring out what it is i wish to be free from..
8) well, this might come as a surprise to people who think i am all sweet and mush..but when it comes to bitching about certain people [;)] i tend to get veeeeeeery enthusiastic any guesses who make up my favourite topics??[:D]
Monday, 17 September, 2007
You are The Moon
Hope, expectation, Bright promises.
The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.
The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
Sunday, 16 September, 2007
Well there is absolutely nothing like a trip back home to recharge your batteries
and now i am back from one..back with all my lost exuberance and zest for life
well slept..well fed..and more than anything well loved..thats how i feel right now..
all i did at home was sleep sleep sleep..eat eat n eat(as a result of which i am fatter than ever :D )
and yes i did go to my nani's place and played wall-e-ball with little kids ranging from 2-5 yr olds..it was awesome..had the best time i had had in a loooooooooong time
there is something about being with kids..i turn into a kid myself...free..naughty..up for anything..or may be i never really grew up..this kid is always lurking below the surface..ready to run away and take control..
so there i was running around jumping hurling the big red beach ball across the wall just with all the gusto and competitiveness of a 5 yr old..a kid again
an it was a real blessing..incomparable bliss :sigh:
it was as if all the tensions of the grown up world melted away and all that was left.. were the hoots of joy every time the ball flew across the low wall to the other team's side and the little scared mispronounced "shits" from those little mouths each time we lost a point
in the end we managed to lose one match and win one
but above all that the evening earned me some well-compensated-for challas in my feet,
the title for the best di everrr which sounded so much better than any title i have ever earned
and a wake-up call..a reminder of what i had been losing out on.. a reminder of what it is like to live life in moments and not let the rest bog you down..
that one evening of complete abandon did more to raise my spirits and pull me out of the dark pit of depression than n number of counseling sessions or heart-to-heart talks could ever do..
i don't know..i just feel so good right now..
nothing else matters..
you can hurt me all you want..
pull me down..
rob me of money.. rob me of dignity.. rob me of love..
but u can't take this away from me..
can't rob me of these moments..the moments i call life...
so here i am rejuvenated..back from zombie-land into the land of laughter and fun..jokes and abandon..
back to living up to my name...Umang aka Exuberance :D
Wednesday, 12 September, 2007
but tonight i feel content..happy in my own skin..
I feel adventurous..up for anything..yet i feel relaxed..at peace
nothing has really changed in my life in comparison to yesterday
I am no stronger...
my enemies no weaker...
I am still not studying..
In fact, I added "flunking in one of the exams i gave today" to my list of non successes..
The dinner in the mess was just as inedible as yesterday and the rajma worse than ever.
I am still sitting in my hot room with a long-gone-kaput cooler,
with mosquitoes aiming at every bit of bare flesh and insects of every shape, size and sting, running up my shorts..
I am still sitting here, up at 3:30 in the morning with nothing to do except staring at my laptop..reading random blogs..talking to people i wouldn't even say hello to in college...unable to sleep
yet tonight this night doesn't haunt me..i am at peace with it..on good terms with my insomnia..
I am feeling happy tonight..
I am thinking happy thoughts..
I am thinking of love and yet not of tears..i am thinking of roses and yet not of thorns ..i am thinking of God and yet not of retribution
my room mates have long gone to bed..the lights are out..the silence complete
I am all alone..and yet, for the first time in ages, i am not lonely
I am feeling happy tonight
I am humming a song to myself.."here i am, this is me.." its a happy song..a hopeful song and i feel happy
I feel like getting up and dancing to myself..something i haven't done in ages..hmmm..may be i'll do it once i am done with writing this..
may be its just a phase..may be its just a moment..i don't care..i am enjoying this break from the past..this lull in the storm..this freedom from morbid thoughts and painful poems
I don't know how long this juncture is going to last..all i know is that..
I am happy tonight..
Monday, 10 September, 2007
with fingers pointing my way
accusing me of crimes,
i know not of, i say
i shout out my innocence
till i feel my throat tear
but not a single ear is here
not a single word they hear
i am tired and i am ashamed
of standing here, cowering and bent
begging to be left alone by them
who are killing me with insult
i feel my head spin
the voices echoing fast
accusing and harsh they fall
bringing me to my knees at last
i am lost and dead, a sacrifice
on the alter of caprice and lies
divested and slayed i am
by the mighty sword of vice...
Saturday, 8 September, 2007
I sat here today, thinking of you
of memories gone by, old and new..
of the laughter that we spilled, to the tears not so dry
of the games we played, and the dreams we let fly
of the songs that you sung, so raucous to the ear
yet mellow to my soul, to my heart so near
i thought today, of those everlasting talks
the picnics we shared, those long winding walks
of those sweet good-nights, and the wake up calls
of the care we felt, the doubts all false
you came into my life, raised me anew
gave me back my wings, guided me till i flew
you held me close, kept me warm in the snow
gave a spring to my step, and to my cheeks a glow
you flirted, made play
yet many a personal dragon, you helped me slay
you tempted me, yet made me strong
made me accept things, i had deemed wrong
i sat here today, thinking of the bad times too
of the times you made me cry, the hell you put me through
of the mistakes we made, the hurt we let loose
of the times i hated you, these times make me muse
i think, i smile,at the past we left behind
regrets that should have been, the rues i fail to find
i am to you, but a whiff from the past
yes i know, it's only the memories that last
we both glided away, into our worlds, so far
and looking back today, is like seeing a distant star
strange and far off, these memories seem to be
yet like that eternal star, they shall shine down on me..
as i sat here today, thinking of you
as i wrote it all down, and read it through
i felt something melt, yes, i finally let you go
and i sit here calm, just letting my tears flow...
Friday, 7 September, 2007
If God is All-Powerful, then nothing a human being does could affect him. For, if a human act could please or displease God, then human beings would have power over God.
So either, God is not All-Powerful or God doesn't give a hoot what you or i do. But if God isn't All-Powerful, then He isn't really God and He couldn't send us to hell even if He wanted to. So, sin at well; for, either God doesn't care what we do or he cares but can't do anything about it.
P.S. this was as one of the passages in the MOCK SNAP. food for thought isn't it...
well, now i can finally put my guilty conscience to rest for good :D
Thursday, 6 September, 2007
Tears oh! tears, why don't you come
to fall away, reduce the pain some..
I need you to drown my sorrows in
to wash the guilt and purge my sin
I pray and i beg, come make me strong
as i sit here in the dark, hiding from the throng
Flow down my cheeks, and my soul
cleanse my heart, make me whole
Slide down the length of these dirty planes
like the rain drops slide down the window panes
Come not like the gentle shower
but destroy me with a torrent of far
Let me as a Phoenix rise anew
from the ashes of my past slew
As deeper deeper you shall fall
weightless and free my heart shall soar
So tears oh! tears come forth come hither
leave your humble abode and save me from wither...
Monday, 3 September, 2007
As i look through my glass window
out onto the rain drenched grass
i see it all shine with a wild glow
and free itself from all that's crass
as i hear the patter of the wild drops
onto my widow of solid glass
i feel my heart do little flip flops
whining to be free of its cage of glass
i wish i could feel the drops on my face
washing away all the tarnished paint
leaving behind a peace in its place
and a soul without any worldly taint
i wish i could climb out though this glass
and touch the vibrancy of this colourful play
walk barefoot in the soothing grass
and roll in the flowerbeds like a dreamy stray
i wish i could fly off into the heavenly spray
jump onto a cloud of fluff and snow
with its dense depths to lose my way
and feel the springs of love flow
i wish i could mount the horse of pain
befriend it,be one with it
not let it be my bane
i wish and i wish till i reach the end of my wit
and then..then i feel my heart soar
free with its wishes
free from its binding core
higher and higher it rises thus
breaking through the glass
with no more fuss
feeling the wet grass
with the tip of its lip
ringing with the wind
like a leather whip..
one with every wish
one with each dream
higher and higher it rises thus..
Tuesday, 28 August, 2007
I could site the fact that the wi-fy in my hostel wasn't working or that i just didn't have the time(which would be well, as far from the fact as could be) or that i was in relatively deeper throes of depression than usual..
well, whatever i might say...the truth is simply that i was too lazy to as much as open my own blog, or for that matter, that of others
so you wonder what has brought me back from my slumber into the ever bubbling and growing bloggers' universe...
this new 3 days off per week schedule which we fourth years' are blessed(or rather cursed) with, a rumie who has gone back to bed for want of anything better to do, no friends worth talking to on gtalk or yahoo, insomnia, heartbreak(well, i sometimes wonder how long it would be before my heart is ground to dust under the constant assaults it bears), mosquitoes, a need to ramble about nothing in particular..well whatever the reason might be.. i m back!!
a lot has most certainly not happened in my life in the last few weeks i have been absent from my space...
but anyway here goes the countdown of the highlights of my life this last few weeks..
1. college is now open so i am in Gurgaon and not sleeping my days off at home.
2. i have grown to about twice my size in these holidays..as a result, my friends went into shock on seeing me and gave me an ultimatum that if i didn't want to end up like an over weight killer whale i had to do some drastic slimming down..
the brighter side of course was that i got to revamp my whole wardrobe as none of my clothes fitted me anymore..and since i love getting new clothes..well did you hear me complain too loud? ;)
3. lost my best friend to that most potent of all poisons..love
4. got placed in accenture in addition to infosys, something that has done not much accept add to my already mammoth list of confusions (by the way if any of you have more idea about the software industry than i do..please do share your view on the subject "which would be better to join as an assistant engineer straight out of college- Infosys or accenture??" i shall be obliged :D)
5. got my result..quite to my surprise(a pleasant one for a change) i passed in all the subjects
6. misplaced my trust and belief and demands and am stuck in this mire with no way out without tearing a lot of heart ligaments (nothing unusual there, this is quite a usual state of life for me )
7. wrote my first poem in over three years and posted it on my blog...hated it
8.lost one of my oldest friends to depression(my own not hers'..she is just fed up of seeing me at the end..refer to point 6.)
9.know exactly what i should be doing and as usual doing exactly the opposite of it even though its shredding me to ribbons...
10. getting bored to death, may be they'll have to hold a funeral soon.. ;) :D
in short..not much to share..and i can attribute this post to nothing except an insistent desire to write..
well hopefully, my next post wouldn't be as dismal as this..so watch this space for something better to come..as i said, hope..