Wednesday 12 December 2007

pretentions...


who was i kidding?

pretending i was over my past..

pretending we could be "just friends"..

pretending i was cool with the way we talked..like strangers..

pretending i was soooo over him..

pretending he couldn't break my heart with just one sentence anymore or with one "c ya" in the
middle of a conversation

pretending that reading the mail i had saved in my drafts to be sent as his b'day gift ages ago..when i was still his doll..wouldn't bring tears to my eyes

pretending that sending it to him would elicit anything but a "yeah got your mail..didn't read it properly..aur bta kya chal raha h?"

pretending i am happy and loved and satisfied..when i can't even bring myself to like me..

pretending i have no regrets..that i am happy with my memories..when i curse the very moment i decided to talk to my best friend's friend, who had fallen in love with my dolphin...

pretending and pretending...lying to all and to myself..."everything is great in my life..yoo!! i am mast hoohaaa!! the queen bee".. when each day all i do is give an overdose of sleeping pills to the bloody bashed up mess i call "my heart" to dull its senses..
or just add a few more balls of cotton to my deaf ears...to stop myself from hearing its painful moaning..

the tears are not yet dry
the pain is not going to die
the memories still kill
and my world with lies fill
you try so hard to make me hate u
but i know in my heart i'll always love u as i live my life through...

26 comments:

maverick said...

well i dont knw wat to say..so far now..jus wrote a few lines for u..

you try so hard to make me hate u
but i knw in my heart i ll always love as i live my life through

my life, i dont knw what it means to u...
but to me..its abt me..my world n not abt u.....
u gave me the strength to be me....
now,with ur hate dont take away me from me....
i want to be free..i want to fly....
i am umang...let me soar high into the sky

Bubbles of FireWhisky said...

i dnt think i cd hv said it better than maverick...

hugs...

Reeta Skeeter said...

ufffffff

Ashu said...

Thats so well written Umangzie, i could relate to it with every word....

take care and try to divert your mind to something else !!!!!!

Vandita said...

see now uve stopped the pretension, uve said it all out loud to urself and to the entire world... thats gotta make things better.
take care sweets... loadsa hugs

Sameera said...

I know nothing anyone says can take the pain away.It is you and only you who can put an end to this pretence and drag yourself out of the dark hole you are in right now.Take care sweetie.This too shall pass.God Bless.Hugsss

VvK said...

Y r u even around this guy!
Tym to bak off & move on, sweetie.
Some thingz in lyf arent meant to be, and this is one of them.
The more u try to prolong this so called friendship the more it will b chipping away from ur share of happYness. The more u c of him, the more u want him. It's a never ending madness, this luv.
This myt seem too harsh a comment, but then lyf wasn't alwez a bed of roses, was it?

TC

Lena said...

if you know this all, it is not pretending, right? And it is the first step on the way out of it. I mean someone who has the powers to recognize the way they feel, to admit this, have also powers to get over it, though it will take hell lot of time and emotions :)

PS: i blogrolled you, just thought of letting you know :)

PoisOn CoAtEd ELiXir said...

and my world with lies fill....

poignant yet beautifully true..

Sam said...

Time heals all.. thats all I can say!! Keep faith and be strong sweetie, this too shall pass..

Gonecase said...

Get over it, get over it

umangexuberance said...

@maverick
that was damn sweet as always...and then u tell me u r no poet
thnx buddy

yes..i am umang, let me sore into the sky..
u can't crop my wings..no matter how much u try

umangexuberance said...

@firewhisky
thanks sweetu..i am ok now
*hugs*

umangexuberance said...

@reeta..yeah i know exactly what u mean :)
don't worry i am ok now...that was just old memories paying a rather torturous visit :D

umangexuberance said...

@ashu thanks...i am ok now..hope u r too and i have got one wole months of examz to divert me from just about everything else :D

umangexuberance said...

@vandi

thanks sweetu :) and yes it felt really good to let it flow out and face the truth :)
*hugs* :)

umangexuberance said...

@sameera thanks :)
and yes i was trying to look for the proverbial torch in the dark...seems like the batteries just ran out that night..don't worry the cells are recharged now :D
tc
*hugs*

umangexuberance said...

@vvk hmmm..why am i around this guy..well i don't know..may be because i want to face it and not run away and let him laugh at me and mock me for the rest of my life..

and i did try to run away turns out it made it worse and trust me facing him and seeing this side of him is really doing wonders n getting over him :)
and no it wasn't too harsh a comment i liked your honesty..
and who are u?
do i know u?

umangexuberance said...

@leena yes i agree and i am working on it though as you said it is hard but then..i have realized that just 'coz something didn't work out the way i wanted it to doesn't mean its the end of the universe..i am finding new and better reasons to smile and seems like i just had to open my eyes to see them..they were all really there in my life waiting to be felt..the warmth waiting to be called upon
thanks and tc :)

umangexuberance said...

@poison coated elixir
thank u :)

umangexuberance said...

@sam thanks :)
*hugs*

umangexuberance said...

@gonecase
i am i am :D

maverick said...

@umang...u r always welcome..n im still no poet..u just bettered it...

Rohit Jain (felon) said...

love is something that can't be forgotten.. it's like that scar which will leave it's mark.. good or bad, i m trying to figure this out.. each yr i love, i get hurt, and i lv again... i lv my friends, i love my LOVE, and still i m in search of the so called TRUE LOVE...

its funny, bt it's true... m sure, u'll soon live your love happily...

god bless...

Supriya Narang said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Supriya Narang said...

So many to advise
So many so concerned
I wonder sometimes
Does the heart
Beats the way it ought to
and Love the way we want it to?