Sunday, 21 October, 2007

its been months...


Its been months since i last talked to you, yet here i am hearing your voice in my ears every time i am alone

its been months since i decided to get over you, yet here i am sitting alone in my hostel room at 2 am in the morning...crying over you

its been months since i decided to delete you from my life, and here i am for the zillionth time reading your orkut profile

its been months since i decided to move on, yet here i am reminiscing about the games we played...the dreams i dreamed with you

its been months since i decided to let you go, yet here i am writing another post about you in my blog

its been months since i decided to forget you, yet here i am making new reminders of your stay in my life

its been months since i decided to never contact you again, yet here i am saving a mail to you in my drafts

its been months since i decided i didn't love you, yet here i am looking at google image search results on "love"...and thinking of you

its been months since i convinced myself i did the right thing by ending what we had, yet here i am hating myself for that last mail i sent your way...

its been months since i decided i don't care about you anymore, and here i am asking the most unlikely of people..is he ok..??

I m back...


my work is done and i am back
back to my white kingdom of stark white sand

more tired and tattered than i was before
more tired and tattered in body and soul

emptied and defeated i stand here again
pouring out my emptiness into my empty hole

defeated by my principles my beliefs my hopes
sold out by my honesty sold out by my soul

poorer in ideals poorer in respect
poorer in trust..yeah, poorer still

yet richer in experience in the lessons of life
a shrewder person..a better one..??..i don't know..

with new friends and new foes
and newer pretensions, a few masks more

i am back to my kingdom to share myself anew

i am back to my sand dunes of shifting views..

Saturday, 20 October, 2007

Strewn with colours..


from the pale blue of a sunny sky
to the thunderous grey of a stormy night

from the green of a healthy pasture
to the brown cracked earth of barren land

from the stark perfect swirls of a frustrating white hell
to the soft embracing mists of a mauve heaven

from the yellow blossoms of friendship
to the dull orange dead flowers of relationships no more

from the red heat of passion
to the pink of puppy love

from the protective black blanket
to the impenetrable grey rock

from the laughing rainbow

to the colourless tear..


I am a cauldron of all these hues..poured together..
stirred by the wand of life..
sometimes one
colour dominates over the rest..
but they are all there
just waiting for their turn to come to the fore..and tint my world..

Sunday, 14 October, 2007


I know, its a sin to be away from my blog...and its killing me not to write and let flow all that i have seething through me...

but, work calls and i go..
absent from my kingdom of sand..
out of tune with my tuneless band
wanting an outlet for my ramblings
finding no place to write my song
but not for long
not forever am i gone
will be back next week
with poetry and prose
the blood of my soul
the tears of my heart..
adieu..for work calls now
and i am gone...

Monday, 8 October, 2007

Free....



As i sit in the rain with the water falling over me...i finally attain the feeling i strive for...the feeling of being free...


as the water flows off me it takes away all that is unwanted...


the tensions...the pain...the sorrows...the suffering


regrets of the past... fears for the future... they are all washed away...


all that is left behind is that one moment... the moment that is me ...yes...FREE...free of all the ties that bind me and pull me down...free to fly, to soar high into the skies of my thoughts and dreams...to dive and get lost in the depths of the deepest ocean that is me...


....and yet free even of those very dreams and thoughts...


as the drops skim my skin it feels like the touch of a lover... gentle yet powerful... soft but intimate... liberating yet all possessing...

that drives all else but itself from the mind...

transforming me and transporting me onto a different level...

to a place where i am finally at peace with myself and this world... a place where i find acceptance from myself and find in myself to accept this world...


in that moment as the cool water forms rivulets down by back and soaks me...
as it wraps me in its blanket and isolates me...

i feel protected and yet liberated...

get the feeling of being held and yet of being set free...



i am free of memory and hurt...of instinct and intuition...of friends and foes...yes...free of life itself...



the winds and the water swoosh through me and empty me of all emotions..

of joy and sorrow.. jealousy and care.. truth and duplicity.. love and hatred..

they empty me of myself...


in those briefs moments of losing myself, i find the real me...
i find my NIRVANA...

PS: this is one of my earliest posts, but since i love it so much and i so wanted to bring it on the front page..i just changed the date :D
for those who haven't read...hope u enjoy it..this is one of the most honest things i have ever written..

Friday, 5 October, 2007

TAGGED AGAIN!! :)



Here i am, just as i promised, finally replying to the tag, i was tagged with by no less than three people (God i am popular ain't i?? ;) :D)
Well, thanks Nikhil, Tabz and soup for this tag..

As anyone who knows me would tell you, how self-obsessed i am and how i always pounce on any chance to talk about myself :D :D ...

so here goes...

1.Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it

Hmmm..tough choice..i have a great tendency to fall (physically and otherwise ;) )..in fact i am about the only person you'll find who can fall just standing there *blushing*, so this gives me a rather huge abundance of scars to chose from..
aaah yes, there has been a lot of talk on this blog about these new set of scars i got recently..the love err insect bites on my neck(refer Of dark linings and silver clouds...[part-1] ;) )
I suppose i got them from some unknown creature of the night..its still a bit of a mystery who/what :D

2.What does your phone look like?

Well, until recently it was a gorgeous looking, red sliding nokia 5300 music edition phone ..unfortunately, it now has a screen with a huge ugly scar,thanks to which 3/4 of its screen has gone blank :(
so in the interim i am back with my old sony erricson T230 with a screen held up with cellotape on the sides..the paint peeling off the keys..silver body cracked in loads of places..yet its still faithful like an old dog..still wakes me up every morning..even though every night i manage to push it off the bed sometime in my sleep..even though i have managed to throw it off everything from a riksha to a bus.. its still working ::sigh:: i wish my supposedly sturdy Nokia could have matched up to its so-called delicate competitor Sony Erricson

3.What is on the walls of your bedroom?

Sick white hostel paint..a couple of lizards..a couple of religious posters the old occupants left behind and which we never bothered to remove.. a scribble in pencil right over my bed stating my name and my b'day :D

and yes, the ceiling has a mysterious dirty hand print next to the fan..

4. What is your current desktop picture?



A picture of me(don't tell me i didn't warn you about my self-obsession ;) ), taken without my knowledge from my friend's cell by my roomie while i sat in the grass laughing..having a ball with my friends..lost in our own worlds..those old times when our group was still a group..hmmm...

Actually, i recently went home with my lappy and since this is my mom's favourite picture of me..she put it there and i just didn't bother to change it :) that reminds me..mom i m missing you!! :( :( :(

5. Do you believe in gay marriage?

I have nothing against it..i believe everyone deserves the chance to make their own choices and live with them..

6. What do you want more than anything right now?


Well, to be honest..right now i want to be loved...truly deeply madly..i want to be hugged pampered flattered..to be swept off my feet..to be the centre of someone's world and i want someone i could love back just as crazily..


7. What time were you born?


10:20 am in the morning..no wonder i am not an early riser ;)

8. Are your parents still together?


yup very much together and madly in love too..frankly i have never seen a couple more hopelessly and romantically in love with each other.. *touch wood*

9. Last person who made you cry?


Someone i know just doesn't care..someone i know just shouldn't matter..someone i know just shouldn't have any power over me..someone i know inspite of all the above is one of the few people who can make me cry with a mere memory..

10. What is your favourite perfume/cologne ?


Yardley's English Rose , Lily of the Valley, Lomani's Amitabh Bachhan

11. What kind of hair/eye color do you like in the opposite sex?

Jet black hair and deep intriguing eyes i could drown staring into ;) ;)

12. What are you listening to?


The grh grh grh like sound of my malfunctioning ceiling fan..the screams and shouts of some 2nd year girls from the floor below celebrating someone's B'day(i agree with you tabz, girls giggling can be damn creepy :D), and in the midst of all this mayhem i can just make out the subtle strands of "kuch is tarah" by Atif Aslam

13. Do you get scared of the dark?

Not in the least..I am a creature of the night..darkness is my cocoon..my hideout..my space..in fact i love sitting alone in the dark listening to slow music or just thinking..just as i am doing right now..
its light that scares me sometimes..

14. Do you like pain killers?


Nope..they are a necessary evil sometimes..but i have no craving for them

15. Are you too shy to ask someone out?


Its not about being shy..i am just to egoistical to ask a guy out..call me old fashioned but i would never be the first one to drop the question..
this doesn't mean i don't throw those little subtle hits when i like someone..look out guys ;) ;)

16. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?


A huge tub of Nirula's Jamoca Almund Fudge..mmmm..mmmm...mmmm..

17. Who was the last person who made you mad?


Myself

18. Who was the last person who made you smile?


A friend who comes up with the strangest ways to drive my blues away(though they have a surprising knack of working when nothing else does)..the latest being telling me her childhood fantasies and talking about Yahoo Messenger VR environments while i cried my heart out in her lap...love u di..

19. Is someone in love with you?


no one i am aware of is in love with me..though loads of people i know love me..and they are the ones who matter the world to me :)


phew!! rather too detailed and honest i think..

now its my turn to tag someone..lets see..
i tag Gonecase,
abhishek sahay, Reeta Skeeter and amit

and of course any one else who wants to take up this tag is most welcome :)
adieu for now..

Wednesday, 3 October, 2007

Light in the night..


I am zipping across the night sky
A fallen star a ball of light

Or maybe I am just a fire fly
Shining and bright burning alive

A candle in the dark
or a creature of the night

I don’t really know..

I am exuberant tonight :) :) :)

Of dark linings and silver clouds...[part-1]


I was supposed to finish this post on the night of the 20-20 world cup..but for matters of the heart or the body...it has lain incomplete in my drafts..i know its not relevant anymore to anyone(probably never was :D) i know its pure crap for all and a bit too long at that..the reason i am posting this is 'coz i promised myself i will...'coz i needed to break the jinx of never writing a post i promise myself i would..'coz sometimes, i just love writing crap..its a high in itself :D..anyway lets cut the crap :D so go ahead people read on...

Well..people talk about dark clouds with silver linings..and here i am with a day which seems to be the perfect example of a dark lining followed by a glorious silver cloud :D
here i was starting the day with my phone gone kaput..with some very strange painful burning ugly insect bites all over my shoulder arms, legs ankle, a** and a lot of other places i am not going to mention..
college started with stares and questions about the rather suspect looking huge mark on my neck which to my great embarrassment resembled a rather violent love bite, thanks to those kidas everybody in the college now thinks, i have a rather vicious love life :|

well, thats not the end...my dark lining was just getting thicker...

So, college ended and i went in the sweltering heat to the rather grubby part of sector-14, all alone, looking for the "nokia service centre"..almost died thrice trying to cross the merciless main roads of gurgaon (i know this sounds kiddish, but i am real bad at crossing roads..have had quite a few knights in shining armors save me from those street monsters..in fact i am quite convinced I'll end up being run down while crossing the road..i.e. of course if a lizard manages not to fall on me first :D..psst..refer lizardo phobia)
Well somehow i finally made it to the nokia centre alive, only to be made to wait there for an hour, thirsty, sweating, tired and the only girl there and that too alone among a set of staring, lechering, crotch-scratching rough men..agree i have had loads of practice in the IGNORE-GAME but i don't deny being all alone there was scary..
so to take my mind off my ever thickening-lining..i started watching this movie that was playing on mute on the dilapidated TV set in the corner..i think the name was "zamana" starring a rather lost looking rishi kapoor as a self-righteous gangster angry at his principle-wadi elder brother played by a well-past-his-bloom Rajesh Khanna :D
but the best part was the funny dancing fight sequence by the effeminate dance teacher of one of the female leads
one of the most hilarious sequences i have seen till date..i was so absorbed i almost did not hear my name being called..
so finally my turn came and you must be thinking there goes..time for the silver cloud..

not so soon..the lining is still not dark enough it seems :D

so the impatient guy behind the desk asked me to quickly state what was wrong
as always i started by forgetting my model number then fumbled along with my complaint
he took a look n told me with a grin "madam iska to LCD udd gaya h minimum 4000 ka kharcha ayega...bolo..kara dun thik :D"
you can imagine as soon as i heard 4000..i could see the lining stretch to cover the horizon..
so i left the centre with my broken cell in one hand and the dark line in the other :|

started my journey back to the hostel but then decided to go up to the main market to gorge on some food to kill my blues..and since God seems to have created me with a dysfunctional compass..i ended up getting lost in the myriad streets of sector 14..had to ask for directions from 3-on-1-scooter-mustached-grinning-school-kids...hehe...well, ok may be not a very dark edge to my thick dark lining..

now its time for the silver cloud to blossom...

to be continued.. ;)